I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize