Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
