So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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