well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
