I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
