Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
