oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
