I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
