Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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