I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
the raccoons are back...
Randomize