"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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