I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well I just put wine in my tea
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
