My friends, they love my intelligence
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
