But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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