i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
