When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
