the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
