Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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