a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
