did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
