I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
