I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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