I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
