I hate your face
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
