I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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