I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
