I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
