I like to think it a success when the cops are called
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
