I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
