you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
