Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
