I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
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he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
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There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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