Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
