Ketchup is God's man juice
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
