just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Terrible idea I love it
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
