i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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