So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
