i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
