if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
