so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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