My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Can I color on your dick again?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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