I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
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I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
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the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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