I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
