Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
