I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
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Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Boobs speak an international language.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
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All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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