my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
