I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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