Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
