Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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