I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
