I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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