I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
