I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
