Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i came on her dog
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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