I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
well you can't waste a boner
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
